I took a leap of faith and allowed fear of failure to get in the way of my dreams.
*Rewind* It all began when I walked away from the job from hell. I’m not exaggerating. Lucifer actually worked there, disguised as a supervisor. Staff morale was beyond low. It made fucked up seem like a nice place to be. My spiritual self knows deep down we are all the same, but for story purposes my ego is writing on the level of humanity. And let’s face it, we all know people who do very non spiritual things. You will notice a few of them in this story (myself included).
I left the job willingly without a backup plan. At the time I was on a spiritual journey learning all about the Law of Attraction and studying A Course In Miracles. I knew if I had the right attitude combined with enough faith, a dream job would come knocking on my door. But the knock never happened. All was silent; so silent, I could hear crickets.
I stopped applying for jobs after about a year of rejection (otherwise known as You Suck) letters. Everything happens or doesn’t happen for a reason and the universe had another plan for me and that plan was BIG. I focused on writing a book by sharing the plethora of knowledge I learned through experience, self-help books, and motivational speeches found on Youtube. My book was originally about following your bliss and receiving abundance through the love of God (Kumbaya anyone?). After all, the universe supports following your passion. Right? At least that’s what all the other self helpers tell me. BUT the universe didn’t send any paychecks signed by God. My tax return was hefty, but no signature from The Almighty. I became engrossed in self help when I wasn’t playing chauffeur for my teenage daughter. When I wasn’t driving Little Miss Daisy I was posing as her part-time verbal punching bag and full-time dance mom. But that’s what moms do and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Well I could’ve done without the punching bag part. But love doesn’t pick and choose.
Apparently love packs up and leaves though. My beloved daughter decided last-minute to move away with her dad and his new wife. At first it didn’t seem fair. They had three other kids. Three! Why did they want to take mine? Why couldn’t they wait a couple more years until she graduated? Why- the fuck- were they so selfish? They didn’t have jobs there. They quit their jobs HERE. So what if they might make more money somewhere else? So what if winters in New England are harsh? They were willing to ruin my life for what…the possibility of making more money and warmer weather?! Ok, I sort of get the warmer weather part. But you’ve endured it for forty years, what’s another three?
This is the constant ranting that mind fucked my spiritually focused thoughts for months.
I put my life on hold so she could follow her passion to dance; drove her to dance almost every day while waiting hours in a small room full of sweaty kids amidst a chaotic whirlwind of high-pitched female voices; packed her dance bag (and bag for school) so she didn’t forget anything; took her to grueling competitions that were stressful as hell as I lived a dance mom nightmare, all to cater to her love of dance. I wanted to support her passion no matter what the cost. Did she just not care?!
More mind fucking by ego, aimed at my daughter.
Most mothers can’t fathom the loss of a child, nor should they have to. I can’t begin to comprehend the trauma experienced by parents who’ve lost their precious children to God. Parents shouldn’t outlive their children, and when they do it forces one to question God and the theory that everything happens for a reason.
I’m grateful I didn’t lose my child to God (far from it). But it felt like she was lured away and I had absolutely no control. If she were younger I would have fought like a mama lioness. But at fifteen she’s her own person and can make her own choices. But how could she not choose me?
Life as I knew it was over. I was alone and broke; I was jobless with nothing to show. I wanted to hide under a rock (or throw a boulder at someone). All of the anger and resentment kept me stifled. I begged and pleaded for her dad not to force her decide between us. He wouldn’t budge. He had to look out for his new family and I was no longer part of it. The result, my daughter went with her other family to follow her dream of living in a big house with a big family in a city with potential to dance and model. It was an offer she couldn’t refuse. All I had was a rickety apartment in a small town. My life was dull, and she grew tired of dull. Who could blame her?
I was a failure.
So I had taken a leap of faith with the intent to be a role model for others. But instead of flying gracefully I landed flat on my face. Ouch. My pride had been stripped as my faith wavered. I was a pathetic person who couldn’t find a job or provide for her only child. Thank God my own mom saw me laying face down on the ground and reached for my hand. Somebody loved me enough to care. I didn’t want to take it. I didn’t think I deserved it. But after living on nothing but self-pity for a few days I decided it was time to lift my head and tend to my emotional wounds before they turned into scars.
Even though it seemed like I lost everything, the truth is I gained more in the past couple of years than in a lifetime. Three years ago I would’ve stayed on the ground crumpled into a ball, labeled victim in big red letters. I would’ve allowed anger to get the best of me and planned retaliation against my perceived enemies. BUT I found a strength I never knew existed.
My ego is bruised but my spirit remains strong. My ego wants to throw an earth shattering temper tantrum but spirit assures me everyone is where they need to be at this time.
I stand here now (actually lounge on my bed with my only companion named Laptop) and surrender my circumstance to the universe. The best I can do for my daughter is to continue the journey towards the path of liberation. I have to trust my intuition to guide me to the destination mapped out by God.
For the record, my daughter is thriving and happy in her new world. She has a new bedroom set, lives in a five bedroom house, dances, models, and goes to more concerts in a weekend than I’ve been in my life. No joke; three concerts this weekend. Life as she knew it became much more exciting. Life as I knew it is gone. I will miss out on three years of milestones I always thought I’d share. I poured most of my energy into being a loving mom. It’s time to take that same energy and turn it into something productive. I used it for rage and it took a toll on my body. The anger fed the ego I worked so hard to dismiss. Holding it in caused it to spread and made me physically ill. The anger would eventually be the death of me. The only way to heal would be through forgiveness.
The lesson here is when you experience a strong negative emotion such as anger or jealousy or paranoia (or whatever it might be), it stems from fear. Fear feeds the ego through attack of the psyche and the body. Fear doesn’t change the outcome. It only feeds the pain and gives energy to those you attack.
Anger is draining. There’s no upside in blaming others. It only gives them power. Forgiveness is the antidote and faith in the universal law which states YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE. If I give forgiveness, it will return. My love will also return. Things are not part of the universal law. Things might be fun and shiny for a while, but they can’t compete with love. Eventually love will prevail.
And for those who decide to take (or lure) without giving a shit about how it affects others, well let’s just say the universal law will work for them too. *Big grin*
I’m not a failure.
If you’ve read this far and want to check out the book I wrote, click here. The focus of Leap of Faith shifted from following your dreams to success to redefining the true meaning of success. Perhaps you can learn from my mistakes. Great love to you all!