In a recent blog (earth shattering temper tantrum) I spoke about my daughter moving away with her dad. She chose to leave. I want to blame him and feel a sense of betrayal by both of them. I’ve questioned myself every day since they drove off in their family minivan. It makes no sense. I’m her mother. She needs me.
A couple of months have passed. It’s been the l o n g e s t two months ever. I’ve spent every day anxiously awaiting a text, an emoji heart, smiley face, or something from her. ANYTHING. The couple of times she reached out through Facetime I felt like a kid at Christmas who woke up to a brand new- banana seated- big girl bicycle- with a basket. In other words I was thrilled when she initiated conversation.
It’s as though I’m a teenager again and my first love left me for another girl; only it’s my child and she left me for another parent.
THANKFULLY, my spiritual self occasionally comes out and gently reminds me this isn’t about me. What? My ego scolds me on a daily basis because I somehow failed as a parent. But spirit assures me I haven’t failed and the only way to heal is to stop playing the blame game. It’s a game nobody wins. She doesn’t need me because she’s her own person. And even harder to swallow is I don’t need her because I’m my own person. She’s fifteen years old and confident enough in her ability to make choices and she chose to move to a city so she could pursue her interests in the arts. Let’s face it, Maine isn’t the place for a starving artist. I can vouch for that myself. It’s time I follow her lead. I can shrivel up in fetal position as I suck my thumb and rock myself in a corner or I can pull myself up and stand tall as I begin the healing process.
I feel about her dad like one might feel about the other woman (or man) your spouse left you for. Even worse, it’s like two people I loved betrayed me without even glancing back. When we feel abandoned, it’s important to understand that nobody belongs to us, so they can’t be taken away.
I hear little from either of them. But it’ll be okay because I have a lot of love to give and I can continue to love my daughter from afar. For weeks I felt like a creepy stalker texting and calling every day, only to be ignored. I finally realized the only thing to do was make sure she knows I’m always here for her, regardless of the miles between us. I’ve discontinued the calling and texts because it was only pushing her away. Now I send cards so she has something to open.
If I can release this hold as a MOM, anyone can do it. If your loved one leaves, it’s ok. You don’t have to stop loving them. I’ve spent months wasting time and energy on blame and vengeful emotions. It’s only made the situation worse. I recommend anyone take all negative emotions (hurt, anger, sorrow, jealousy) and recycle that wasted energy into expansive energy; love. Aim that love within.
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF like nobody else can and when you think somebody has hurt you… it’s not about YOU or what you did or didn’t do. It’s about their journey and if you truly love them, let them GrOw.